Marathon Anxiety + Grit

In May, when I completed my first half marathon, I decided that I was going to begin the training for a full marathon. At that time, I was only committed to beginning a training plan, but not to actually signing up for a specific race.

Eventually, I decided to fully commit to doing this whole marathon thing. My first full marathon is 5 weeks away. I am terrified.

But I've registered. I've paid the registration fee and booked a hotel. So, I'm going to show up at that starting line.

The training has not gone well so far. I haven't been able to run more than 14 miles without taking some kind of a walk break. I guess if there is a positive, it's that I have finished each of these training sessions. Even if I've had to do a bunch of walking, I did not stop until all the scheduled miles were covered.

But the truth remains that my long runs haven't gone well at all. Even if they start off really well, things started to fall apart around 13-14 miles Newsflash: That's way too early for the wheels to starting coming off when you're trying to run a total distance 26.2 miles. And, as one would expect, I'm really starting to panic.

Part of the struggles is that I skipped a week and a half of training in late June due to travel and being lazy, which disrupted the aerobic based that I'd worked so hard to build up (which was stupid.. don't take a week and half off from training unless you're injured). 

It's also been hot. And humid. And generally miserable running conditions, which hasn't helped me build up my endurance at all. 

So... yeah. It hasn't gone well. But one thing that I haven't done, and won't do, is give up. I have questioned and/or flat out denied my ability to run this marathon SO MANY times over the last several weeks.  And those doubts probably aren't going away. I will admit, in the spirit of full honestly, that my confidence has been pretty well crushed.

Can I run (or at least complete) a marathon? I don't know. I don't think so (I'm working on adjusting that attitude), but the truth is that I don't really know.

And I never will know unless I get myself to that starting line in October 2nd. Isn't that really the only way to find out? While it hasn't gone well at all, I have followed a training plan and worked at preparing for this race. And I'll continue to work over the next 5 weeks (and also hope that the heat/humidity skips town soon).

Will it be the race I originally hoped to run? No. But I won't give up. I won't stay at home and wonder what might have been if I'd just been willing to adjust my goals and give this thing a try.

If there is one thing that I do have in spades, it's grit. I've already committed to this race, and barring a physical injury that prevents my participation, I will show up and give it my all.