Waking Up.

Hey there, kids.

It's been a minute, yeah?

To be honest, I'm not sure why I even continue this attempt to blog. I don't really have readership, and I've yet to finish my new list of goals. At this rate, I MIGHT have a new 101 in 1001 list by the time 2015 arrives. Just maybe.

For at least the last few months, I've had an fairly decent excuse for not really picking this back up again. I've been busy. And for the most part, it hasn't been good things. But there have been a few good things mixed in, so it hasn't been all terrible.

So, here's the short version of the last several months: since March we've lost three loved ones, bought a house, and both started new jobs. The husband left his old job and started a new one, while I kept my old job and just added something new to the mix.

In March, we said goodbye to Joey's grandfather. In April, we lost my Aunt Carol. And then in June, we lost my grandmother.

We buried my grandmother on our 6th wedding anniversary. I felt all three losses deeply, but nothing was quite as painful as losing my grandmother.

Losing my grandmother has been difficult for me in so many ways. Not only do I miss her dearly, but she was the matriarch, the head of our family, and things have fallen apart since her passing. There's arguing, family secrets being revealed, division of possessions and opinions, lots of drama.  It hurts, and I've distanced myself from my family for that reason. I'm really surprised at the actions of some of my relatives - loss really can bring out the worst in people sometimes.

All of this loss has also has gotten me thinking about my own life and my place in the world. If I died today - what would people say about me? Who would mourn? I'd like to think that people would say that I was a good person who loved well. But I'm not sure that my current actions would back up that - not because I treat people poorly but because I tend to keep to myself. I don't invest as much time in other people as I should. My husband and I both have a tendency to keep to ourselves. As a result, we spend a lot of time with each other, but not with the other people in our lives that mean something to us. I still want to take the time to focus on the two of us, of course, but my hope is that we also start to spend more time with our friends and family - and that we take more time to keep in touch with those that aren't living in our city.

It's like I've been on auto-pilot for the last several months. I've been going through the motions, living life.. but not REALLY living life, you know? It's time to wake up, to try to enjoy, to experience. To pay attention to the things and people that matter to me. To truly invest time and energy.. not just keep up the appearance of investing time and energy.

And maybe waking up includes going back to doing things that I found fun and enjoyable. Like this blog. Even if no one reads it anyway. :)